James is watching TV while his wife is out at for dinner with friends. His son Daniel who was watching TV in his room, appears in the doorway. "Dad, what's love juice ? "
James chokes on his beer and thinks, '"he's twelve now, perhaps I should explain.'.

"Well, son," he says, "soon you will meet a girl who you fancy, you will become excited and your willy will get very hard."
James gulps and carries on, "you will touch the girl all over and when you reach the top of her leg it will feel wet. This is her love juice coming out of her vagina, it means she's ready for sexual intercourse."

The son looks curious and says, "Ok dad, thanks." As he leaves the room, James says, "hang on son, what are you watching up there to make you ask that ?"
The son replies, "Wimbledon 2008".

courtesy of Jim Cryer

A pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said,  'If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering, I'll have wild sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?' The Englishman piped up, 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham' he said. 'Thats no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'.  The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.  'Thats no better. There'll be no wild sex for you either I'm afraid Hamish.How about you Paddy ?' The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out, 'London'.

'Thats Brilliant, Paddy !' said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise. After 15 minutes of steamy wild sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said -

'd-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-e-rry.'

courtesy of June Bridson

Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God - "I've got forty travellers here. Can I let them in ?"

God says "We're over quota on gypos. Tell them to choose between them which are the twelve most worthy, and I'll let the dozen in."

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the blower to God again. "They've gone", he tells God.

"What ?" says God, "All forty of them ?".

"No, the gates".

courtesy of Ade Critten

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane . . '

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell us tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny said, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his trousers off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'

courtesy of our Northern correspondant

Clive is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a perch. It doesn't have feet or legs. Clive says aloud, 'Blimey, I wonder what happened to this parrot ?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Bloody hell,' said Clive. 'You understood and answered me !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah ' says Clive. 'Then answer this - how do you hang onto your perch without any feet ?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my todger around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says Clive. ' You really can understand and speak English can't you ?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

Clive looks at the £200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't justify that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me as I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!'

So Clive offers £20 to the owner, which is accepted, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great friend, he understands everything and he's insightful. Clive is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes,'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks Clive.

'When the postman delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT !!! says Clive incredulously. 'THEN what happened ?'

'Well, the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO !' he exclaims. 'And she let him ?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over . . .'

'THEN WHAT HAPPENED ?'

'Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch !'

courtesy of IOM Post Office

Sue and Yvette were playing golf. Sue teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing an adjacent hole. The ball hit one of the men, who then clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and rolled around in agony. Sue ran to the man, and immediately began to apologise.

"I'm SO sorry. Please allow me to help. I've got very gentle hands and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me" she told him.

"Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes" the man replied courageously, as he was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position and still clasping his hands together at his groin. At Sue's persistence, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage under the curious gaze of the three other men. After several minutes, she asked "How does that feel ?"

He replied "Thats really nice, but I think my thumb's still broken . . . "

courtesy of Flavian

A woman sitting in an Adelaide restaurant suddenly began to cough. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Kenzie and Bruce sitting at the next table turned to look at her."Kin ya swaller?" asked Kenzie. The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head."Kin ya breathe?" asked Brian. The woman shook her head 'No!!!' With that, Kenzie walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down her bum. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again. Kenzie swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer. Bruce said in admiration, "Ya know Kenzie, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen anybody do it"

courtesy of JL

Grandfathers take note - DO  NOT lose your grandchildren.
 
A  small boy was lost in the Trafford shopping centre. He approached  a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my grandpa'.
 
The  policeman asked, 'What's he like ?'  The little boy hesitated  for a moment and then replied,  

'Gordons gin and women with big  tits.'

courtesy of A. N. Other

A man owned a small farm in Georgia.  The Georgia State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him."I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent."Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years.  I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to - the half-wit," said the agent.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

courtesy of Jim Lowry

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and  his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective  surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches ?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches ? Why would he need  crutches ?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna  lengthen his legs, aren't  you ?

courtesy of Miss A N Other

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard, and when no-one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard together and the ranch was doing very well. One day, the rancher's widow said, "You've done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2.30am, and upon entering the house he found the widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed them gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped the lacy black bra to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired !"

courtesy of Nikki Black

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaimed - "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of Buffalo Festival, we take your scalp in three days. But before I kill you I grant you three requests. What is first request ?"

The Lone Ranger responded, "I'd like to speak to my horse."  The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. The blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I still kill you in two days. What is second request ?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver  returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and stays the night. In the morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request ?"

The Lone Ranger said,"I'd like to speak to my horse. ALONE." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully, you dickhead, for the last time - BRING POSSE !!!"

courtesy of Jim Cryer

A petrol station in Framlingham, Suffolk was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon Spopkins, the local Gspot dealer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for the free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If Spopkins guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Spopkins then guessed 8 and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, Spopkins came along, with his apprentice, Joel. He filled up and again he asked for the free sex. The proprietor gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. Spopkins guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 4. You were close, but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, Spopkins said to Joel, "I think that game's rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."
Joel replied, "No, mate, it ain't rigged –  my missus won twice last week."

courtesy of Jim Lowry

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "I'd like to propose a toast to you. Darling, you've been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right with me. When my health failed, you were still by my side. And you know what ?"

"What dear ?" she asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. And her husband looked into her eyes and said, "I think you're bad luck."

courtesy of Flav

A man asked the waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to a very attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy restaurant. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there' . . . and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to  the gentleman.
The note read 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million pounds in the bank and 7 inches in your trousers' . After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the woman. It read 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be. I have a  Ferrari 575, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my garages. I have homes in London, Paris and Miami, and a 10,000 acre farm in Kent. There's twenty million pounds in my bank account but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

courtesy of 'Posh' Rabkeni

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a "get acquainted" tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill Clinton if he could use the personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.  "Just think," he said, "when I'm President, I could have a gold urinal too. But then again I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent !"
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled and said to Bill,  "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."

courtesy of Flavian Lurvley

Adrian of Andreas was going up to bed when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garage which she could see from the bedroom window. Adrian opened the back door to go and turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house ?" and he said "No". Then they said all patrols were busy, and that he should lock his door and an officer would be along when available. Adrian said, "Ok," hung up, counted to 30 and phoned the police again.  "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were thieves in my garage. You don't have to worry about them now because I've shot them." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit and an ambulance showed up and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to Adrian "I thought you said that you'd shot them !" 
Adrian said, "I thought you said there were no officers available !" 

courtesy of Jim Lowry

Friends Paul and Clive are sitting together in a pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar.  The two friends start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Clive - I reckon he's an accountant.
Paul - No way. He's a stockbroker.
Clive – He’s not a stockbroker. Wrong colour suit.
The argument goes on until the volume of beer gets the better of Clive and he makes for the toilet.  He sees the suit is standing at a urinal, and curiosity and several beers get the better of him.
Clive - 'Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and my friend wondered what you do for a living ?
Suit - No offence taken.  I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
Clive – Oh. What's that then ?
Suit - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home ?
Clive – Er, well yeah I do as it happens !
Suit - Well, it's logical that you keep it either in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it ?
Clive - It's in a pond.
Suit – Well, it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden ?
Clive - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden.
Suit – Well, then it's logical to assume that if you have a large garden then you have a large house ?
Clive - As it happens I've got a three bedroom house.
Suit – Well, it's logical to assume you haven't got it just for yourself and that you’re probably married and have a family ?
Clive - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and two children.
Suit - Then it’s logical to assume you’re sexually active with your wife ?
Clive – Yep ! Five times a week !
Suit – Well, then it’s logical to suggest that you don't masturbate very often ?
Clive - Do what ? Not me chum !
Suit – Well, there you are! That's logical science at work !
Clive - How's that then
Suit – Well, from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !
Clive - I see. That's pretty impressive. Thanks !
Both leave the toilet and Clive returns to his friend.
Paul - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does ?
Clive – Yep ! He's a logical scientist !
Paul - What's that then ?
Clive - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish ?
Paul - Nope
Clive – You’re a wanker then.

courtesy of Helen Cretney

Two Irishmen are standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walks by and asks what they are doing. Paddy says 'We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.

The blonde takes a spanner from her purse, loosens a few bolts and lays the flagpole down. She pulls a tape measure from her pocket, takes a measurement and announces it is eighteen feet and six inches. She then walks off. Mick says - 'Now, to be sure, isn't that just like a blonde - we need the height and she gives us the length.'

courtesy of Jim Lowry

A zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St Peter, "I have a question that's haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes ?"
St Peter said, "That's a question only God can answer."
So the zebra went off in search of God. When he found Him, the zebra asked, "God, I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes ?"
God simply replied "You are what you are."
The zebra returned to see St Peter once more, who asked him, "Well, did God answer your query ?"
The zebra looked puzzled. "No sir, God simply said 'You are what you are.'"
St Peter smiled and said to the zebra, "Well then, there you are. You're white with black stripes."
The zebra asked St Peter, "How do you know that for certain ?"
"Because," said St Peter, "if you were black with white stripes, God would have said, "You is what you is."

courtesy of 'Guinness'

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I've got a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started." He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished ?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
He decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to put these pieces into anything like a rooster." He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a cup of tea, and then" he says with a deep sigh, "let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

courtesy of Adrian Critten

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab and she notices that the handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you". She answers " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds "Well, let's see what we can do about that. First you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says,"'Yes, I'm single and Catholic !"
"Ok" the Nun says "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child" said the Nun "why are you crying ?".
"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The Nun says "That's ok. My name is Guy and I'm going to a Halloween party."

courtesy of Clive Cocks

A tour bus driver is driving with a load of senior citizens down a motorway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture many times. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks her -

"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself ?

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth".

The puzzled driver asks "Why do you buy them then ?"

She replied "We just love the chocolate around them."

courtesy of Karen Baxter

Two moose hunters from Bromham and Rushden hired a pilot and aeroplane to fly them to the hunting region. They bagged four, but as they started loading up for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only three moose. Paul and Clive objected. "Last year we shot four and the pilot let us put them all on board. He had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded. However, the weight was too much and the plane crashed not long after take-off. A few moments after climbing out of the wreckage, Paul asked Clive, "Any idea where we are ?"
Clive said "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

courtesy of Remo Ricciardi

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and flops down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration. "What troubles you, Sister ?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family." "It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ." "I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing ?" "Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today !" "Goodness, Sister !" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it !"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee. This hole is a monster, 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. It's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted. Then it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee !" "Oh my !" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate ! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme Sister !" "No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway !" "Oh, that would have made me blaspheme !" sympathised Mother. "But I didn't, Mother Superior" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself ! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in its paws" "So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile. "Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup !" Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said -"You missed the f**king putt, didn't you ?"

courtesy of James Willis

Hampshire police force thought it a good idea to advertise on the rear of the bus fleet. However, the male PC who was volunteered to model may not be so enamoured with the end result

A man walked into a pub, went to the bar and ordered a pint of beer.
"Certainly Sir, that'll be one penny."
"One penny ?" the man thought, and he glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine ?"
"Fifty pence Sir," the barman replied.
"Fifty pence !" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife ?"
The bartender replied,"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

courtesy of Brian Rainbow

Declan from Dublin calls in at the Doctors - "Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot". So the doctor gets him to drop his trousers and takes a look. "Incredible"he says, "there's a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he eases the twenty out of Declan's bottom, and then a £10 note appears.  "This is amazing !"exclaims the doctor. ''What do you want me to do ?" "Fur gadness sake teyhk it out man ! "says Declan. The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another . . finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Jest oud of interest,  how moch was in dare den ?"
The doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."            
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says Declan, "Ah knew ah wasn't feeling too grand . ."

courtesy of Karen Baxter

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her. Next morning there's a knock at the door and he's confronted by a couple of policemen, a young Constable and older Sergeant. The Sergeant says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe even better news'.  'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first ?'  The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.' The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.  But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is. The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a big sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it. 'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all  that. So what's the other possible good news ?'  'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill  here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.'

courtesy of Geoff Black

Friends Rose and Nikki, a blonde and a brunette, are walking  down the street and pass a flower shop where Nikki happens to see her husband buying flowers. She sighs and says, "Oh hell, Geoff's buying me flowers again."    Rose looks quizzically at her and says, "Don't you like getting flowers ?"  Nikki says, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations afterwards, and  I just don't feel like spending the next couple of days on my back with my legs in the air."
Rose says, "Don't you have a vase ?"

courtesy of A.N.Other

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me ?" the Devil asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word ?" asked the Devil.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity ?" persisted the Devil.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid ?" asked the Devil.
"Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, the Devil asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me ?"
The man replied, "Been married to your sister Nikki for 48 years."

courtesy of TE

My wife and I were sitting at a table in a restaurant, and I noticed she kept staring at an obviously drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at  a nearby table. I asked my wife , "Do you know him ?"
"Yes," she sighed. "He was my boyfriend many years ago. I understand he took to drink after we split up and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God !" I replied. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long ?"

courtesy of CC

Two 90 year old men, Barry and George, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that George is dying, Barry visits him every day. One day Barry says, "George, we both loved motor racing all our lives and we raced together for so many years. Please do me one favour when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's racing there." George looks up at Barry from his death bed,"You've been my best friend. If it's at all possible, I will." Shortly after , George passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barry is woken from a sound sleep by a ghostly revving engine, a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"Barry, Barry."
"Who is it ? asks Barry, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it ?"
"Barry, it's me, George."
"You're not George. He just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, George," insists the voice."
"George ! Where are you ?"
"In heaven", replies George. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Barry.
"The good news is there's racing in heaven. Better yet, loads of our old friends are here. We're all young again. Better still, the weathers great, it never rains and we take it in turns to be well up the grid. And best of all, we race all we want and we never get tired."
That's fantastic," says Barry. "It's beyond my wildest dreams ! So what's the bad news ? ".

"You're on pole next Tuesday."

courtesy of CC

After his examination the doctor said to Clive, the Austin Healey driver "You appear to be in good health.  Do you have any medical concerns you'd like to ask me about ?"

In fact, I do," said Clive. "After I have sex with my wife I'm usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his wife, the doctor said "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you'd like to discuss with me ?" The lady replied that she had no concerns. The doctor then said to her "Your husband had an unusual issue. He claims that he's usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why ?"

"Oh, that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time in August."

courtesy of Brian Rainbow

Paul chatted with an older woman at a Bromham nightclub. She was alright for 57. They drank a lot, had a bit of a snog and later she asked if he had achieved the sportsmans double, a mother and daughter threesome ?  Paul said no, but that it was an interesting thought. They drank some more, then she said that tonight was his lucky night. They went back to her place. She put the hall light on and and shouted upstairs "Mum, you still awake ?"

courtesy of Flav

A Master's racing driver is proudly driving his new Jaguar around Silverstone. On reaching his destination in the paddock, he parks the car at the curb and gets out on the traffic side. As he opens the door, a Top Hat driver slams into it, ripping the door right off its hinges. The Top Hat boy drives off as if nothing extraordinary has occurred. A marshall who witnesses the accident runs up to the Master's driver, who is now wailing loudly, "Ohhh myy gaaawdd ! Look what that idiot did to my Jaaaagggwaar ! The marshall looks at the man, shakes his head and says, "You Master's drivers are so damn materialistic. Here you are whining about your expensive car, and you don't even realize the Top Hat boy tore off your arm !" The man looks down at where his arm used to be and begins to wail loudly, "Ohhhh myy gaawd, my Rolllllleeeexxx is gone !"

courtesy of Jim Lowry

Rushden zoo acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla, but within a few weeks, the gorilla became cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem - she was on heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo management remembered Clive, a local man with a reputation of being possessed with ample ability to satisfy all the local species, so the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Clive was approached with an idea - would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £500 ? Clive showed interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Clive announced that he would accept their offer, but under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this." The zoo administrators agreed, and  asked what was his third condition.

Clive said "I need another week to come up with the £500."

courtesy of A.N.Other

53,000 Geordies meet in St James Park for a "Geordies Are Not Stupid" convention. Footballer Alan Shearer addresses the crowd "We are all here today to prove to the world that Geordies are not stupid. "Can I have a volunteer please ?"
Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him "What is 15 plus 15 ?" After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says "Eighteen !". Shearer shakes his head, and the crowd then groan. Obviously everyone is a little disappointed but the Geordies start chanting "Give him another chance ! Give him another chance !"
Shearer says "Well, since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks "What is 5 plus 5 ?". After nearly 30 seconds Gazza says, "Ninety ?"
Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh with another shake of the head. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying. But then the 53,000 Geordies begin to yell and wave their hands and shouting "GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE ! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE !"
Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, " What is 2 plus 2 ?"
Silence hangs over the stadium. Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute says, "Four ?". Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the Geordie crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream . . .
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE ! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE !"

courtesy of Flav

I've got old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation and can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. I've lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's licence.

courtesy of Karen Withers

Ted Nugent (a rock musician and bow hunter) was being interviewed about his deer hunting by a touchy-feely French  journalist. The journalist asked "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him ?   Is it, "Are you my friend ?" or is it "Are you the one who killed my brother ?'" Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away ?  They are very much like the French."

courtesy of Jim Lowry

Letter to an 'agony uncle' in a weekly mens magazine -

'I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time that my wife has been cheating on me. There are the usual signs, such as the telephone rings and if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently, but when I ask their names she says, " . . just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I fall asleep. I have not broached the subject with her. I think deep down I do not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. At midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home.. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it ?'

courtesy of Mark Solly

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what they liked best about oral sex -

3% liked the view.     

93% appreciated the silence.

courtesy of Adrian Critten

The receptionist always ask at the doctor's why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others. And sometimes it is embarrassing - there are few worse scenarios that explaining what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and we can appreciate the way this 86-year-old gentleman handled the situation -

The receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today ?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist frowned and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."
"Why not ? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied "But you've caused embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there's something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes ?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear Sir ?"
"I can't piss out of it" he replied.

courtesy of 'Posh' Rabkeni

A Mormon was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. The Mormon replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

courtesy of Clive Cocks

I was meeting Paul in a hotel bar and as I entered, I noticed two hot women checking me out. "Nine," one whispered to the other as I walked past. I bragged to Paul that the hot chick by the door had just rated me a nine out of ten. "I don't want to ruin the evening for you Clive" he said, "but when I came in, they were speaking German".

courtesy of Flav

A girl asks her boyfriend over to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such  a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to make love for the first time.  The boy is ecstatic, but is a virgin. He goes to the pharmacist to get condoms and reveals that it's his first time. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour, and tells him everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy -  a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in !"  The parents are seated at the table, and as soon as he sits down, the boy offers to say grace and bows his head.  A minute passes and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.  Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

courtesy of Rose Waterworth

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian customs man stops them and says “It’za illegal-a to put-a  five people in a da Quattro”  

“Vat do you mean it’za illegal ?" says the German driver.

“Quattro means-a four – you have-a five in-a da car " says the Italian.

 “But Quattro iz just ze name of ze car” says the German .“Look at ze papers – it iz dezigned to karry fife”

 “You can't -a pull-a that-one. Quattro means-a four. You have-a five and so you breaking-a the law . .” 

The German gets really angry “You idiot ! Call ze supervizor at vunce – I vant to speak to zumone viz more intelligence !”  

“Sorry” says the Italian.  “It’za not possible – he’za busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.”

courtesy of CC