Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness. He greets the first patient and the patient replies

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin race, Aboon them a you take your place, Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm."
Tony is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient and greets him. The patient responds

"Some hae meat and canna eat, And some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Tony moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant

"We sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty, Thou needna start awa sae hastie, Wi bickering brattle."
Now alarmed, Tony turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "What kind of facility is this ? Is it a mental ward ?"
"No", replies the doctor. "This is the serious Burns Unit".

'Three nil, three nil, three nil . . '

Three Scottish and three English soccer supporters were going to Wembley. At the train station, the three Scots each buy a single and watch as the three Englishmen buy just one ticket between them. "How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket ?" asks one of the Scots.  "Watch and learn," answers one of the Englishmen. They all board the train, the Scotsmen take their respective seats but all three Englishmen cram into a loo and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed the conductor arrives to collect the tickets. He knocks on the loo door and says, "Ticket please." The door opens slightly and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Scots are mightily impressed, and after the game they drown their usual sorrows, have little money left, and decide to repeat the Englishmen's trick. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, however, the Englishmen do not buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket ?" asks one perplexed Scot. "Watch and learn," says one of the Englishmen. The train departs, the three Englishmen cram into a loo, and the three Scots pile into another one nearby. Shortly afterwards, one of the Englishmen sneaks out of the loo, knocks on the door of the loo in which the Scots are hiding, and says, "Ticket please . ."

(mostly for James Willis' appreciation)

'Keep Ya Motor Runnin' . . '

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a class A motorhome when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his RV when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question ?" The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorhome. The mechanic asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage and then put them back in, and when I finish it works just like new. So how come I'm paid so little compared to you when we're doing basically the same work ? The surgeon smiled and said to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

Cocktale . .

Victoria was sat in a pub in Emley, Yorkshire, enjoying a drink with girlfriends when an exceptionally handsome, well built and extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that Victoria could not take her eyes off him. The man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for £20.00. On one condition." Flabbergasted, Victoria asked what the condition was. He replied "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

Victoria considered his proposition for a moment, sipped her cocktail and then slowly removed a £20 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said "Clean my house".

A man goes to a zoo but there's only a dog there.

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together and said - "I must tell you.  We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."

Crampon Style . .

A mountaineer has spent many days up a mountain without food and water.  He is crawling through the snow certain that he has breathed his last when he sees an object sticking out of the snow several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.  But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a dull grey dress.  She has a calculator and a pocketbook and a pencil tucked behind one ear.
 ‘Well,’ says the genie. ‘You know how I work. You have three wishes.’
 ‘I'm not falling for this.’ says the man. ‘I'm not going to trust anyone from the Inland Revenue.’
 ‘What do you have to lose ? You're completely lost with no food or drink, and it looks like you're a goner anyway’. The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
 ‘Ok, I wish I were in a pub with plenty of food and drink.’ 
**Kabaaam** 
The mountaineer finds himself in his favourite pub and he is surrounded with pints of beer and good pub grub.
 ‘What is your second wish ?’
 ‘My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams. 
**Kabaaam** 
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
 ‘Ok, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one’.
 After thinking for a minute, the man says. ‘I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.’ 
**Kabaaam** 
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story -  If the government offers you anything, there is going to be a string attached.

'Gene Genie . . '

A man goes into a bar with an ostrich and a cat. The bar tender says ‘What would you like Sir ?’
The Man responds: ‘I'll have a pint of beer.’
He looks at the ostrich and says: ‘What will you have?’
‘I'll have a pint of beer,’ responds the ostrich.
He looks at the cat: ‘What will you have?’
’Half a pint of beer, but I'm not paying’
‘That will be £12.65,’ says the bartender.
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65. The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
‘What'll it be today,’ says the bartender.
‘Double whisky on the rocks,’ responds the man.
He looks at the ostrich and says: ‘What will you have ?’
‘I'll join you in a double whisky,’ responds the ostrich.
He looks at the cat: ‘What will you have ?’
‘Half a pint of beer, but I'm not paying’
‘That will be £21.95,’ says the bartender
So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
‘Excuse me,’ the bartender says ‘I was just wondering why, no matter what the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket ?’
‘Well,’ responds the man. ‘When my grandmother died she left me everything. There was a lamp in the house so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted me three wishes. I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I'd have the exact change in my pocket.’
‘That's brilliant’ replies the bartender ‘You'll never ever run out of money. What else did you ask for ?’

‘A bird with long legs and a tight pussy.’

James Blonde . .

James gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He runs upstairs and finds his wife panting and sweating, naked and alone on the bed. "Wha's wrong ?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack" she says. He rushes downstairs to the telephone, but while dialling 999, his 4 year old son walks up and says " Daddy, daddy. Uncle John is hiding in the cupboard with no clothes on ".

James slams down the telephone, storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his wife and rips open the door of the closet. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked on the floor.

"You rotten bastard" says James. "Ma wife is having a heart attack and you're running around naked and scaring the kids".

Clive of India . .

Clive and Sue were on holiday in India. They were touring around the market place looking at goods when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside, they heard a man with an Indian accent say, "You foreigners, come in, come in to my humble shop." So they walked in. The Indian man said to them, "I have special sandals you would like. They make you wild at sex, like great desert camel".
Sue was really interested after hearing what the man claimed, but Clive knew he really did not need them, being the sex god he was. Clive asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak ?"

The man replied, "Just try them on Sahib". After much badgering from Sue, Clive finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them on his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something Sue had not seen for many years. Clive grabbed the man, bent him violently over the table, yanked down his trousers, ripped down his own trousers and grasped a firm hold of the man's thighs.
The man screamed, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET ! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!"

Phil Dear . .

Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that having had five children, she would tidy things with a nip here and a tuck. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but why have I received them ?".
Nurse said, "The first is from the surgeon. The operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks."

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband. He's delighted and he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited !"

"Brilliant !" said Lucy. "And the third ?"

"That's from Phil in the burns unit" said the nurse. "He wanted to say thanks for his new ears".

Scentsible . .

A salesman was driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo indian man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo if he would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the elderly indian got into the car. Resuming the journey, the salesman tried in vain to make small talk. The tired old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to the salesman.

"What is in bag ?" he asked.

The salesman said, "It's a small bottle of perfume. I got it for my wife."

The Navajo indian was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said,

"Sounds like good trade".

In The Saddle . .

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world. You can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Arthur thought about it and said "I want to hang out with God." St Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God. God recognised Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle ?". Arthur said, "Yep, that's me." God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road ?" Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but he said, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman ?" God said, "Yes."

"Professional to professional, "said Arthur, "you have some major design flaws in your invention. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions, it chatters constantly at high speeds, most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble, the intake is placed way too close to the exhaust and the maintenance costs are enormous !".

"Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

Old Dogs, New Tickets . .

Working people frequently ask retired folk what they do to make the time pass. Uncle Jim, for example, went into Chelmsford and to a shop in the High St. He was only in there for about two minutes. When he came out there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket on the Jaguar parked by the zebra crossing. Jim said to him, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break ?" The warden explained why the ticket has to be issued and continued writing. Jim called him a Nazi. The warden glared at him and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. Jim called him a piece of dog shit. The warden finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. The more Jim abused him, the more tickets were written. This went on for ten minutes until the warden finally left.

Jim checked he had his return ticket and walked off to catch the train home. The doctor says he should try to have a little fun each day. It is important at his age.

Where There's Duck, There's Money . .

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord stares at him and says, "You're a duck and you talk !"

"I see your ears and eyes are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and sandwich please ?"

"Certainly", says the landlord, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in. What are you doing round this way ?"

"I'm on the building site across the road", explains the duck. He drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him, "You're with the circus aren't you ? I know this duck that would be brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer and everything !"

"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".

Next day when the duck comes into the pub the landlord says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money".

"Yeah" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it ?"

"At the circus", says the landlord.

"The circus ?" the duck enquires.

"That's right", replies the landlord.

"That place with the big tent ?"

"Yeah"

"With all the animals ?"

"Of course"

"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", says the duck.

"That's right" says the landlord.

The duck looks confused. "What would they want with a brick layer ?"

Church Pew . .

An elderly couple were attending a church service. About halfway through, Sue leans over and whispers to Clive, "I just did a silent fart, what do you think I should do ?"

He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

The Pen Is Mightier Than The Sword . .

A man walks into his bedroom and finds his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing ?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 for one nights work, and I do that for you for free." Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year".

A man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde lady who is sitting by herself.
Man - "May I buy you a cocktail ?"
Blonde Lady - "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."
Man -"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell ?"
Blonde -"No, they spread".

If travelling in Greece have cash or friendly passenger to hand

Fish & Cashing In Chips . .

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy ?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it ?"

Timmy patted down the last heap of earth and said "That's because he's inside your cat ".

Catch of the day . .

Rob got up early on Saturday morning, put on long johns, dressed quietly, made lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and started to back out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with rain and the wind was blowing at 70 mph. He pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and heard that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

He went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There he cuddled up to his wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that."

Merseyless Humour . .

A scouser walked into the local job centre."Hi, I'm looking for a job". The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You’ll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, uniform provided. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided and you will be required to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The salary package is £200,000 a year". The scouser said "You're bullshitting me !" The man behind the counter said "Well, you f*****g started it."

Texas Pool . .

An American, a Frenchman and an Australian are walking along the beach one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish, " says the Genie. The Aussie says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Australia was forever made fertile for farming. The Frenchman was amazed. He said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France. The American asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The American says, "Fill it up with water."

Someone Gets A Thaw Head . .

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "Ok, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm ?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

"But what about the smell ?"

A Pedigree Mongrel . .

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. He noticed a beautiful woman boarding the plane, and gazed as she headed straight towards him and bingo - she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation ?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual 'Nymphomaniac Convention' in the United States". Here was the most gorgeous blonde he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs !

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention ?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those ?"

The woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy . ."

The girl responds -"Which one ? We have Gymnasium Barbie at £19.95, Volleyball Barbie £19.95, Shopping Barbie £19.95, Surfer Barbie £19.95, Disco Barbie £19.95 and Divorced Barbie £299. 95

Shocked, the man asks, "Why is Divorced Barbie £299.95 when all the
other ones are £19.95 ?"
Exasperated, the girl responds -"Sir, Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture, Ken's jewellery, Ken's money, Ken's computer and Ken's best friend."

Polysaturate . .

A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a perch. It has no feet or legs. The man says , "Aaahh, I wonder what happened to the parrot ?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Blimey," the man says. "You actually understood and answered me !"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Really ? How do you hang onto your perch without any feet ?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the man. "You really can understand and speak English can't you ?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic - politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The man looks at the £2000 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for £20 - just make the bloke an offer."
The man offers £20 and sure enough, a deal is done and he walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he is interesting, a great friend and understands everything. The man is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Pssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the man.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT ? THEN what happened ?"
"Then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO !" he exclaims. "And she let him ?"
"Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over."
Then the frantic man demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED ?"

"Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch !"

No Pain, No Gain . .

Paul calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb weight loss program. The next day, there is a knock on the door and there before him is a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old dressed in
nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing,
he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20lb program. Next day there is a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, sexy woman he has ever seen. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads 'If you catch me you can have me.' This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while, but its worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, and for the next four days the same routine happens. On the fifth day he weighs himself and discovers he has lost 20lb. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50lb program. "Are you sure ?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."
"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." Next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a large man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that read 'I'm Clive. If I catch you, you're mine'.

O'Malleys Chastity Help . .

O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor examined him, looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked, but being a solid character he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room, where his son was waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."

After a few pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were approached by some of O'Malley's friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS ?"

O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I'm gone."

No Eggs and Beer Can . .

Three little pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order. "I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy. "I would like a Coke," said the second little piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought and they ordered for dinner. "I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy. "I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," said the third little piggy.

The meals were served and a while later the waiter approached and asked if the piggies would like any dessert. "I want a banana split," said the first piggy. "I want a root beer float," said the second piggy. "I want beer, lots and lots of beer," exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter to the third little piggy," but why have you only ordered beer all evening ?" The third piggy said "Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee,' all the way home . . .

Hemel Hemstead Revisited . .

A motorist on his way home from work in London came to a stop in traffic and thought to himself, "This traffic seems worse than usual." He saw a police officer walking towards him and wound down his window "Officer, what's the trouble ?"

The constable replied "Tony Blair is depressed, so he stopped his car and threatened to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes him, like why we went to war in Iraq, or there's no pensions crisis, or the worsening economy, or that his education reforms are going to do any good, or the health service is safe in his hands, or that immigration is under control, or that he`s not George Bush`s lapdog , or that his Party's proposed tax cuts won't help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking a collection for him."

Thoughtfully , the motorist asks, "How much have you got so far ?"

The officer replies, "About forty gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning . . ."

Footballers Dives . .

Victoria and David Beckham get a taxi at Heathrow after arriving back from a trip to the US. The taxi-driver falls into eager conversation with the England football captain. "Where you been then ?" he asks. "New York," responds Beckham, with a knowing wink at his wife on the seat beside him. "Go anywhere nice ?" asks the cabbie.

"Yeh, we ate at some great restaurants. There was one in particular where the food was fantastic."

"Which one was that ? I'm asking 'cos my brother's a cab driver in New York and people are always asking him where to go to eat."

"Oh, what was the name of it ? It's on the tip of my tongue. I just can't think at the minute."

Becks racks his brains. His face then betrays a flash of inspiration and, leaning forward, he asks the cab driver, "What's the name of that big railway station in London ?"

"Waterloo ?" ventures the cab driver.

"No."

"Paddington ?"

"No."

"Victoria ?"

"That's IT," says Becks, becoming very animated, and turning to his wife. "Victoria, what was the name of that great restaurant we went to in New York ?"

Mans Best Friend . .

A man and a woman who had never met before, but had the same last name and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00am, the man leaned over and gently wakened the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you reach into the closet to get me a second blanket ? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"That's a great idea !" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own bloody blanket."
After a moment of silence, he farted.

Some Gag . .

A woman was in a coma for months and nurses were giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed there was a response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried again and sure enough there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, " As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband was sceptical, but they assured him they would close the
curtains for privacy. The husband agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined. No pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. "What happened ?" they cried. The husband said, "I'm not sure - I think maybe she choked."

Line & Sinker . .

A pirate walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened ? You look terrible."

"What do you mean ?", said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"The wooden leg ? You didn't have that before."

Pirate, "Ah, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

Bartender, "Ok, but what about the hook ? What happened to your hand ?"

Pirate, "That was another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a swordfight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

Bartender "What about that eye patch ?"

Pirate, "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t."

Pirate, "It was my first day with the hook."

Rule of Thumb . .